The First Cut is the Deepest

Starting a new blog is intimidating.  I have continued to put off posting on this site for fear that I will say something stupid, look disorganized and uninteresting or, will embarrass myself.  This has been going on for a year now.  Just do it already!  Fuck it!!! (I’m trying to quit cussing but, sometimes people just need to say “fuck”).  I can’t keep “waiting” for genius to strike or my grammar (ha, as I spelled “grammer”  it auto-corrected it to “grammar”) usage to equal that of a journalists because genius doesn’t just strike, you have to practice and then development happens and THEN genius strikes!

I’m real and I make mistakes.  Lots of them.  Ok, TONS of them.  To pretend I wake up with full make up, hair and nails done with Gucci pumps on while I sit on my white shag carpet in my oversized Brooklyn loft apartment with a skyline view while I journal my morning “blog” is BS.  On the contrary, my bathroom ceiling is leaking (surrounded by mold) and I have called the landlord 3 times about it over the last 6 months and now mice are, literally, running across the living room and my rent just got raised to $1800/month?! (I have a roommate but, still).  Can you relate?

I currently follow (some) blogs, mostly about fashion, since I have worked as a retail merchandiser, wardrobe stylist, film costumer and designer, and now, Vintage apparel Etsy seller.  It’s overwhelming trying to follow (and find) intriguing blogs.  To be honest I hate how un-organic the world has become.  Everything is available on the computer/smartphone.  It’s bittersweet for sure.  But that’s the way to advertise now and get customers.  You have to make people love you.  You have to become celebrity.  I just want to sell vintage clothes and paint and draw but, you can’t make money doing that anymore because even art is all manipulated and digital now.  Everyone’s an artist.

I have a general idea about “content” but, just not sure how to convey it to you.  How do I appear interesting?  How do I insure I don’t ramble on?  (like I am now).  Although I follow some of the “top fashion blogs”, according to what the internet claims are the top blogs, I find them so TRITE.  They post content daily, get followers because of this (myself included), and they even repost what other blogs have posted just to have content.  Blah!  So now I’m just uninspired and my mailbox is in quadruple digits and I can’t keep up with these “blogs” I think I want to read but really, they are boring me.   Their outfits are boring and similar to each other’s.  Their lives are glamorous but, again, they are all at the same place doing the same thing with the same people and with the same Instagram photos with the same opinions.  Although my (now ex)boyfriend turned me on to the Lefsetz Letter, a strongly opinionated music blog, I really haven’t found any blogs that I look forward to the next post.

Don’t hate.  That’s something I am trying to ensure that  I don’t do here.  There is a difference in “opinion” vs. “hating”.  As we say in the film business “I’m not complaining, I’m just explaining.”

So, I admit I am envious of the young women that have blogs of them just walking around in their “OOTD” (Outfit of the Day) and getting flown into Fashion Weeks all over the world, goody bags, meals at the best restaurants (see their Instagrams) and FREE CLOTHES!!!  I imagine they spend their day working out, walking around in their new sponsored wardrobe and then going on brunch, lunch and dinner dates with friends.  What’s not to be envious about?  Good for them. (I mean that).  But, again, that’s not real.  I want more stimulation than that (I know you are saying “Bullshit!”  but, it’s true).  Where is the adventure in that?  I like a little dirt under my nails.

Now, I am sure these girls worked (work) hard at their blogs, getting a following, styling themselves but, once you get to a certain level of “blogger status” I am sure you get propositioned by investors/agents and a team is developed to take care of your site.  I don’t know…these are things I assume in my head.  Again, good for them.  (And again, I mean that).

So, what is my goal here?  No really, I’m seriously asking myself.  What I hope for, is to watch this blog develop into something motivational, or at least entertaining…maybe you can just laugh with me… or at me.  Something full of culture and art and yes, fashion too but, keeping it real. One of the biggest reasons I realized that being a fashion stylist and/or costume designer is no longer of interest to me was witnessing first hand the “caste system” we have created in “Hollywood”/Media/Music and film.  What happened to the love of Art?  What happened to just being cool with each other and working towards a common goal, to give people a beautiful experience, to give someone else something to walk away with.  We have created Monsters. Not EVERYONE is like this, of course, there are generally some good people that are amazing actors, producers, musicians, etc. that are not “above” everyone else but, I think when there are too many “rules” in the game to follow, Art becomes lost.  We become lost, jaded and resentful.

I saw a wonderful Rockumentary called Searching For Sugar Man about Sixto “Rodriguez” the lost musician (I mean, lost as in, the world lost him) and this man is SO humble.  It was beautiful.  He was beautiful.  Anyway,  in it one of his daughters is being interviewed and she says “My Dad taught us that no matter who you are, even if you are poor, it doesn’t mean your dreams aren’t real”.  I know that I screwed that quote up and if I really wanted to I could sit here and Google it or re-watch the film so I make sure to get it right for you but, then, I’m not being real either.  That’s what resonated with me and that’s what I took away from it and that’s what I’m going to share.  Can we all just take a step back and think about that though?  How much that affected me?  When I walk through the subway “paths” and I see a homeless person hunched over on the ground with a sharpie-markered cardboard sign, I think that.  I don’t always stop and drop money but, I think that.  “That person has real dreams”.  That person probably has had their heart broken before.  That person probably remembers having fun in the summer when they were a kid.  That person probably loves spaghetti.  WTF is wrong with us?!  It’s SO easy to get wrapped up in “celebrity”.  How do we “unwrap” ourselves?  This is why I am going transitioning away from “the industry”.  I’m losing the creative self I once was and the love of art.  It’s making me tired and bitter in my young age.

I could talk about the general “themes” I want to use here or the “aesthetic” I guess you could say but, I think that is going to develop as I post and experience life here in NYC, newly single and optimistic.  I don’t want to hide things and pretend my life is pretty all the time, because who can relate or get motivated by that?    I just want to try and be as REAL as possible.  Maybe this should all be in my “ABOUT ME” page.  I’ll figure it out eventually.

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